I'm sitting here in a bunker-like office at the U of O -- a little spot with a desk lamp and ethernet my mom hooked me up with, used to be a bathroom but now it's an intern pen -- kind of holed up with myself. It's lonesome in this town, nothing doing and nowhere to fit. Every place that's going-on is another scene, and I'm just blowing through. Never been much of one for the scene anyway.

I've been mulling over a lot as of late. Feeling pretty vulnerable these days; raw, lonely, confused. I suppose that's part of being on the rebound. Am I on the rebound? I don't really know. I'm on something.

I know things move in cycles and I know what this one feels like. Rewind 18 months and press play, click here and read up. Nice to know could turn a phrase back then. But what the hell is going on with me right now?

I know that looking women in the eyes is hard, pretty much no matter who they are. I know that when I was out at the Country Fair this past weekend I had some major issues with opening up. There was this almond-eyed beauty I kept seeing, some kind of mythological creature, and it felt like high school in a real bad way. I put off weird vibes these days. I'm afraid of touching people. I'm sexually repressed (again). I have a lot of unaddressed/unaddressable needs. I feel tired a lot; physically, mentally, emotionally. I know I feel like crying still and I know I'm not really letting that happen. I know I can't keep doing this for very much longer.

I know that I miss Sasha, but I don't know if that's just because I'm super lonely or because of something greater. I know that I feel kind of like a looser; that I have a hard time having fun; that I don't know where the dream is leading me, or if there even is a dream anymore. I kind of want to cram it all and go back to New York now, but I know that's not really a possibility.

I know I need to make a break. I'm going outside for a while to warm up and think some sexy thoughts.