I'm sick of doubt, of being downtrodden, of being self-oppressed. There's enough fucking external oppression out and about these days man, it just won't do to have it coming from within as well. This cop in the head has got to go.

I used to be a more free person, more exhuberent and more honest in the sense of being unguarded and without so much calculation. I recall all the personal progress I made throughout my time in school and I think maybe I should take up yoga again, return to the life of an artist. Perhaps a return to graduate school, or some wild international program.

But I also feel that a lot of what I've lost has to do with an end to innocence, and grad school is a cop out on that tip. Innocence, optimism, maturity, growth, cynicism, pessimism... that shouldn't be a one-way transition. There's been a lot of heartbreak in the past year, I know. A lot of sorrow, and I sort of let it get to me. Lonely nights absolutely crammed with work and worry wear down ones spirit, and without question I been depleted.

Yet I can't cotton to retreat. Not just because it feels like failure. I really don't believe there is any going back. A truly lucky person is gifted to return in triumph with new eyes, but it's foolish to try getting anywhere in reverse.

And so it's time to make a move forward. This situation isn't working out. Something's got to give, and it's unlikely to be my material circumstances. My mindset has got to change. Wild bohemain values, man. Hew to the fucking ethos! Rediscover your love for humanity, for the beauty in souls, for all the tragi-comic ideosyncratic magic of lived experience. This is life; and you do no good by failing to enjoy the world. Be in love wity yr life, reclaim the dignitiy of yr own experience, the most important thing is to stop struggling.

So this is the end of my subterranian life, my homesick blues. No more longing for the past no more. Indeed, it's high time I was a little more bold, a bit more of an explorer.

Glaciers break slowly. Something shocks the system. Fissures spread in the facade, and deep beneath things begin to stir.