The personal life is going allright. I've realized that I want to move back to New York coty. It's my desire to live with the kind of company and opportunities that the city provides. I recognize all that San Francisco has to offer, and I plan on being a frequent visitor, but the city is my home.

I could write more rhapsody for New York. It's tempting, and I'll most likely slip back into that at some point along the line. But the thing about this is that deciding I want to go back to NY presents all kinds of problems.

Theoretically I can keep my job and do this. Assuming there's a job to keep -- and we all seem serious about making sure there is -- there's no true work-related reason to keep me in San Francisco, and some compelling opportunities (it would seem) in moving back East. New York City is a place where I can wheel and deal. It's a symbiotic thing. I come alive when I am there in a way that I do not in California. Part of it is friends and existing social connections, but a big part of it is that being in the city flips a switch in me. I become a different person, someone much more powerful I think.

Why this is is a mystery to me. LIke I said, part of it is old friends, but I didn't spend a lot of time with my old friends comparatively speaking. The politics of New York agree with me much more than the politics of San Francisco. New York is a real cultural center, a Main Connection between the US and the rest of the world. I miss swimming in that great big pond.

I worry about ego creep. I met with Steve while I was in New York, who told me to follow what excites me and to not be afraid of taking scary steps. I still don't know what the right thing to do is often, or what I want. I feel lonely at times, but I don't think I can honor a relationship. Relational power. Relationship power. Loveless, it's harder to walk in an avaristic world; but I don't know that I'm ready for love again. In fact I doubt it. I feel like a handsome devil -- in kind of a bad way.

Shadow shadow on the wall, if I become you, will it mean that I fall... or is that the only way to grow... I think I have to get serious not only about what I'm doing with my life, but also about attending to the art of living. The last time I laid down with a girl, she cought me sleeping with my eyes open. Literally. That's gotta be a warning sign.