"Undermining my electoral viability since 2001."

A Long Story

The buzz is back. My energy is running high and I feel like telling true stories. How about last night? Well, it's was an American evening.

Not all the information in here is really mine to give away, so the other characters will remain anonymous.

Branding

I started off by going down to get my iPod fixed. I'm kind of embarrassed to have one since they've become such status symbols, but they are wonderful feats of engineering and it was a gift from my mother, so I decided to use it. But the battery was bum and it would quit working completely once it was unplugged. I've had it sitting in the living room plugged in as a source of music for my amplifier.

Things were working out fine until my other mp3 player -- the "ultra portable" Nomad MuVo -- crapped out on me. Now there's no music for my bike riding, which cuts into my lifestyle pretty severely and prompted me to go to Apple while the iPod was still under warranty.

Long story short, they just swapped me a new one; awfully nice policy. But it's a trip to go into the Apple store in downtown San Francisco. It's a trip to step that profoundly into Steve Jobs's ego; a clean world of high design and easy comfort. It's a luxury kind of place, but not in the completely meaningless way that I usually think of luxury. There's an agenda at work. Everything is political.

Anyway, sitting there at the genius bar I pondered a bit. I've been daydreaming from time to time about an easier life. What if I just worked at a pizza shop? I could work at Apple's genius bar, that's for sure, but the experience would probably kill me. I wonder whether or not it would be a way to pick up women. Soon enough I've got papers to sign and I'm off. I try on some expensive Bose headphones -- nice, but not the ones I truly lust after -- and I'm out.

Back on the bike, I head to the Citibank in North Beach. It's the only branch in San Francisco that stocks deposit slips in their ATM enclosure. Dunno why that is, but there you have it. I'm overdrawn because I didn't put my roommate's checks in before giving my landlord his. Lucky for me there's overdraft.

Then I'm off to the upper Haight, and I try to figure out a shortcut that's not back the way I came. Turns out to be a long-cut with extra hills. I get up high, sweating, the fog plainly visible moving in the wind at intersections. There's a stretch of very nice buildings, all fancy cars. Just like on Staten Island: altitude usually equates with wealth.

When I finally make it to the Haight, it strikes me as sadly reminiscent of the East Village; a place which was once truly explosively vibrant, but which has now sunk into a commodified kind of tradition. There are fewer franchise stores, but the people are all either too old or young or idly wealthy or brutally poor to be really doing much of importance. It's still a pleasant street with lots of interesting things, but not much seems to actually be happening.

Violence

I make it where I'm going late. We're watching boxing on HBO and the first fight, the welterweights, is already in the 9th round. I settle in with a beer and gauge the vibe in the room. It's a friend of a friend's place, six people there, a few of whom actually follow boxing. I don't, so I don't have the lingo, and my first impression is that most of the people who do are kind of faking it but not letting on. Maybe not, I dunno, but the tone is different from the usual sports-talk.

More beer and the next fight; big Russian vs. smaller Black man with cornrows. Klitchko, the Russian, is the star. Made for marketing, straight out of Rocky IV, but he looses. He's dominant, but wears himself out hitting the other guy without doing any serious damage. Brewster, the smaller man who can take a punch gets inside like a badger, lands a couple heavy hits, Klitchko stumbles, looking like lurch on quaaludes, and that's pretty much it. Luckily for the continued economic viability of boxing, Klitchko has a brother who's even bigger, more of a bruiser. I'm fairly confidant Don King is scheming a vengeance match right now. Should be big bucks.

Intoxication

It's decided that there's no point in going out and spending money while there's still pre-paid bevvy in the fridge. We drink. We get high on weed from Eugene purchased through someone who's training to be a cop.

We watch Dave Chapelle reruns on Comedy Central. This man is a force in culture, and he's funny as fuck. Friday night Matt Stoller purported to me that a sure sign that culture in general was becoming more political was the movement in Comedy, that the Daily Show beats the 24-hour news channels in its time slot. It's a poignant observation.

The state of cable comedy bears this out. At the very beginning there was an old Mad TV episode on, which was lame and unfunny because it probably pre-dates the political awakening. Making jokes out of the idiosyncracies of pop-culture is getting harder and harder. If people don't care, people don't laugh.

Chapelle, on the other hand, is tapping a rich and newly healthy vein. His show is funny and getting funnier as he hits his stride. The preview for the next new episode, in which "President" Chapelle responds to the question, "was it all about the oil?" by leaning over to his boy in confusion, then leaping up, knocking a pitcher of water over and running out of the room, leaves us in stitches (fall-over laughing) each of the three times we see it. We may be wasted, but this is comic genius.

Sex

At some point a roommate comes home. She reminds me of a girl I knew in New York who was attractive, but always seemed a bit like damaged goods. I'm too out of it to even introduce myself -- not physically incapable, but socially without means and no one is helping -- but I watch her a little bit. Scheming begins.

I also notice that there are a ton of advertisements out there for impotence drugs. Natural Male Enhancement at every commercial break. I wonder, and not for the first time, if advertising about impotence increases the incidence of not being able to get it up.

We head out to a bar to shoot pool. My friend and I hang back for pizza at Escape from New York. The woman serving the slices is cute. I try my charm, get a smile. I love to work for a smile. My friend and I talk a little like men. He tells me he's pretty bummed out, and I tell him I'm worried about him. Not that he can't handle it -- life, school, whatever -- but that I'm sad that he's so sad. We talk like men because soon we will be mingling in public and we understand that this will involve the pursuit of separate agendas.

We rejoin the group and shoot pool. The woman I'm watching is a player, and it's enjoyable to observe. At first the bar gives me the Fear, but then I realize it's just a friendly bro-bra sort of joint, and I relax into the comedy of it all. The light above the pool table is shaded by a replica of a Miller-Lite NASCAR, and the height of things works out so that if I'm looking across the table I see a person's body with the head of a car. Looking at women like this is just too funny.

I'm still not making introductions. I'm still socially clip-winged and a little out of it, so I do the logical thing and keep on drinking. It's clear that I should meet this woman and learn her name, but I'm flummoxed and slow, hardly interactive, so I elect to hang around and get drunker in the hopes that something will happen.

A couple hours and a couple whiskies later, my friend is ready to go, so I'm gonna go walk with him. I catch the woman's name on the way out, apologize for not introducing myself sooner, say maybe I'll grab my bike and come on back. We hit the pizza shop again and the girl there remembers us and I still love working for a smile. I walk my friend somewhere...

[scene missing: I'm informed after the fact that I was adament that my friend go back to the apartment where our original hostess is because this is what will be best. While I remember the precourser to this thought popping up during the boxing-watching, I do not recall strongly recommending any course of action, though it turns out I was at least partly correct.]

I lock my bike up outside the bar now. Head back in, like I promised. She's surprised and I think happy to see me. We shoot a game and I loose. I assume we're flirting and it's going ok. We wander out and the moment of truth arrives. I'm not sure if I want anything more than to head home, but the vibe is there and figuring that there's no harm in it I let the magnetic thing do its work and we kiss out front of the bar instead of walking in opposite directions.

More kissing, then walking to her house. Making out out front is good. Exchanging info. I go to give her a card and she then invites me in so she can reciprocate. The card, that is. It seems odd because it seemed clear that I wouldn't be going into her house, but then we do and there's a little more kissing on her bed and hands under shirts and then I really do have to go. Her idea, but I'm not about to push. First of all, pushing is juvinile. Second of all, it's for the best -- I'm tired and drunk and all I would have been up for was a spoon -- but at the same time the genetic urges feel slighted.

I feel a little guilty as I walk out and back to my bicycle, wondering if I'll call this girl (I'll probably email her; that's about my tempo at this point) and thinking forward in time to a visit from another woman I'm pretty excited about. There are no obligations -- obviously -- but I feel that twinge of cheating guilt. Don't quite know what to make of it. I was pretty honest on the OkCupid personality test, and they pegged me a playboy. They're right, but I'm not sure if I've the courage to embrace this or the will to change.

Aftermath

The ride home is a blur. Drinking and biking... oh man. Some good friends of mine just had a real bad car crash in portland. Everyone was injured, but not badly. Alcohol was a factor. This morning I woke up with a dry mouth, a headache, two broken spokes and a flat front tire. The details are lost to history. Next paycheck I will buy a helmet.

We do punk rock breakfast. It's wonderful, even sunny for a moment. It is a community and I am at ease. The lip-to-lip massage does a lot to charge my batteries. My little internal gyroscope/dynamo seems to be running strong, and so I'm loud and laughing and flailing about. Molly and I talk to Portland people to get the scoop, and Zack and Neil continue expanding their minds. There are pretty people and good food and coffee and talk of projects and creation and my night before seems like a strange episode. A safari into another time.

But the buzz is back so I'm not dwelling on it. It was fun, and it was true. And everything is fuel, powering an engine that builds better tomorrows. People are coming and going to churches in the mission, wearing their best clothes and checking each others cars out. People are smiling in the sun, and in spite of Everything, I am smiling with them.

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Music Hits

It's a good day in music. Here's what's hitting.

#1 is Farsheed and his "Turnstyles." This is a university colleague of my comrades Zack and Neil, who's made some really great music, and is asking people to pre-order his CD for $10 so he can afford to do a master run. It's a novel business concept, and it's good music. I strongly suggest you check it out.

Just now I got back from the brutal robot art show and afterwards we got to see the Extra-Action Marchin Band, which rocks, upsets the cops, and has a ton of hot hot hot women. Cheerleaders are great, but trumpet players get the italics. Woo!

And when I got back, on a whim I took a peek at good old Roy and I found out that Roy-o-phobia is online now! Do you fear being rocked out? You will...

Finally, there's a new jam from Coach Z. Homestar at it's next-gen absurdist hip-hop best, powered by The Cheat.

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All In

This into was tacked on after the fact to explain some things. Here's the deal. In a fit of synchronicity, my google alert bot picked up someone who blogged about this post I wrote in the beginning of December. I was on a roll there, talking about the velvet revolution in all its glory. What happened? Well, Howard Dean imploded. That was a blow for me; I invested a lot in that movement, and it all came crashing down. It hurt. But now I'm getting back up there. Building steam. And now back to the original content...

The most important thing is to stop struggling.

I've been playing hide and seek with my ego for the past six months. I fear it. I fear hubris, something that's knocked me down before. I wrote a note to a professor I think of as a mentor, maybe the wisest man I know. He tells me, "I know what you mean, and it is a danger, but I think that for sensitive people like you and me there may be a greater danger in avoiding taking power." And part of me feels nudged a little closer to the edge, and another darker part of me chuckles and wonders what he means by "sensative people like you and me". Whaddya mean we, white man; ho ho ho.

But he's right. I mean, there's no point in pretending we don't have demons; that's an inescapable part of being a human being. Hello? Koenig? You wrote a frickin' play about this. And my mom is right when she keeps sending me that Nelsen Mandela thing about how we really fear our own adequacy.

Yet I've been struggling with this for a while now. Because I don't want any of what I do to be about me. That doesn't work. And yet if I don't take myself to the next level, it might not happen at all. We all need to go to the next level. Every part of the body is a sword. Slogans running on the other side of my eyeballs...

Everybody to the Limit!

Life is Holy and Every Moment Precious

Fuck the Bullshit it's Time to Thrown Down

Yeah. I'm all in. Consider the struggling over.

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War Thinking

The newly surging war news is running over my mind in spite my best efforts. Iraqi bogger Salam Pax sums it: "Dear US administration, Welcome to the next level."

Holy fuck. This is what we all feared, some predicted, but no one hoped would happen. It would seem that the kettle is on its way to boil.

Bill O'Reilly wants us out because the Iraqi people "are are not going to fight for their freedom," that they "don't value democracy," and that all this is jeopardizing Bush's reelection. In the midst of trying to grapple with the meaning of All This Horror (see below), I find Bill's assessment to be fucking pathetic, even by the standard of The Factor.

So the Iraqi's "don't value democracy." Perhaps the complete lack of a democratic tradition in Iraq, the reality that the country was invented by the British Empire a century ago, is a factor. Perhaps the identification of the US-backed Governing Council with unpopular hucksters like Ahmad Chalibi cause otherwise believing Iraqis to doubt us.

So the Iraqi police don't rush to the aid of embattled US troops. Perhaps, much like the Marine who didn't come to rescue four American mercs as they were beaten to death and hung from a bridge, the Iraqi police don't feel like risking their hides to help out people they don't really feel all that close to. As for "the people," well, we took their guns away. What the fuck do you want them to do, Bill? Act as human shields? I know Bush is having a hard time coming up with the money to give our GIs body armor, but that's going a little far.

And then he starts in with the Vietnam comparisons. He was of age, though he never served, and he talks about how we gave 50,000 of our own troops for Freedom, but those lazy Vietnamese just didn't have the will take the gift. Wake up call, Bill: the South Vietnamise had eight times as many casualties, so you might want to pick your words a little more closely. You might want to check Rob Macnamara on this too: the prevailing opinion in North Vietnam (and the undercurrent in the South) was that the US was just picking up the colonial ball where the French left off. Astounding as it may be, around the world, the United States isn't automagically assumed to be the good guy in any conflict. Incomprehensible as it might seem to Factor devotees, many of the people in Vietnam rightly or wrongly felt the NVA was on the side of freedom, not the US.

Goddamn it; doesn't this remind anyone of anything?

It's a thing to make you loose faith, this war. It's a killer. It's a killer for what it is, a killer how it happened, and a killer how it's unfolding. It kills me that we went along with this shit, that the public supported it, that I walk in a perminant minority now as someone who was opposed. I remember right before we got rolling -- in that spiritual dead zone between the last big protests and the kickoff of hostilities -- watching "Born on the 4th of July" one night on TBS or USA or one of those networks for men we got for free in Brooklyn. I remember watching and drinking a few pints of beer and getting pretty upset at it all, at what was coming.

I'll be honest. I thought it would be much worse, the invasion. I expected that the best trained, best equipped and most loyal of the Iraqi armed forces would fall back into urban cores and force a Berlin-style seige, bloody and awful and very costly of life. As it was, we anniahlated a 10,000 or so Iraqis, buried a couple hundred of our own, the president flew a plane for a minute, and just like that Major Combat Operations Were Over. It was a pretty easy invasion by any historical standard; three cheers and a grunt for the strength and fortitude of the US armed forces.

Yet here we are a year later and the worm is starting to turn. After a year of steady but low-level conflict -- four hundred more body bags, a few thousand crippled, $200 Billion in contracts and expenses -- things are coming to a head. Urban warfare in six cities. It's likely to get fucking uglier from here on out.

It turns out that many of the movers and shakers in Iraq don't trust the United States, and neither do most of the people on the street. Is this a real big surprise? We blew the fuck out of their country more than ten years ago and then dropped in some punishing sanctions which were largely responsible for sending Iraq back to near third-world status. Then we blew the fuck out of their country again, and even though 90% or more of the people are glad to be rid of the tyrant, that require them to love the folks who rained high explosives upon them and killed their husbands, uncles, sons and brothers to make it happen.

And so can we be surprised that people aren't overjoyed that their lives have been turned upside down, that kidnappers and rapises rule the night, that the power still doesn't work, and that some of their family or neighbors are conspicuously absent? I don't think we can.

The question -- the very fucking difficult question that no one is even pretending to answer -- is what in God's name do we do?

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Bad Day In The Cradle

It sucks to be in Iraq right about now, but predictably you wouldn't know it from the TV. I don't get TV, but the Agonist sums it:


8:50 PM CST: CNN: Larry King's gab fest. MSNBC: Barry Manilow is on. Fox: Hannity and colmes.

That's pathetic. These networks couldn't wait for 'major combat operations'. Yet today, arguably one of the worst days of the war, period, they're offering nothing. How many soldiers have died today? This isn't four deaths. It's more than a dozen. What do they offer you? Barry Manilow, Karen Hughes and Hannity and colmes.

Folks, this is your media. Whatcha gonna do?

Young liars...

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Young Liars

I'm getting more and more to like TV on the Radio. The fact that they do this is helping.

TV : id rather watch a million breasts exposed than a single bomb fall on a village

Ya Damn Right. I'm glad the hipsters are along for the ride.

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Readings

I've been reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. It's fucking good literature, and after having to force myself through reading David Eggars, it's nice to know that there are other voices sprouting. Literature seems to be a game for people who've attained a certain level of experience. You just don't see many people under 25 who are published and good. Though there are plenty of sub-25ers who can certainly write, there aren't many -- it seems -- who can write whole books. Some of this probably has to do with market forces, but I digress.

Anyway, I like James Frey's book and I didn't like Eggars's. I just finished You Shall Know Our Velocity and it bothers me that anyone would like that book. I contains little wisdom in my estimation, and the fact that anyone has ever compared it to On the Road is deeply and personally offensive. I've heard that Eggars had to battle with publishers, cut hundreds of pages, and that the "real" book is much better. Maybe that's true; maybe it's PR. I don't really care. It's not the author who I find disturbing; Eggars seems at worst to be a well-intentioned egomaniac with an undeniable gift for language, at best a struggling young author with some sense of social responsibility. In either case, he's fine. What I find disturbing is that there are people who read the same book that I did, and who really enjoyed it.

It disturbs me because I disliked 90% of the book. I disliked the characters, failed to empathize. Were I to meet these people in real life I wouldn't think so much of them. It distrubs me to think that either A) skilled rhetorical flourishes (which Eggars provides in quantity) are all that people notice about literature, or that B) other people really felt for these characters. It disturbs me and leads me to question my own grasp of the America Cultural Moment.

I find emotional immaturity and postmodern self-awareness to be generally annoying and generally my two least favorite personality facits of my supposed peer group. I have a spiritual kind of hatred for the kind of peevish inhibition which Eggars's characters wallow in. I also have little patience for reflexive emotional skirt-holding; for people who can't buck the fuck up and live. There are great moments and good sentences in that book, but there's nothing I would call substance. There might be a real attempt to grapple with Everything, but if there is -- and it's not just a bunch of intellectual razzle-dazzle -- it's a failure. And so it worries me that people might think the book is wise, or even entertaining.

James Frey, on the other hand, is my kind of person. I would like to shake his hand and talk about philosophy and the human condition over many cups of coffee. His writing is stylistically adventurous (no quotation marks), but that's fucking irrellivant. What's relevant is that he knows how to write in a way that grips your mind and heart. What's relevant is that he has a vision for comedy and tragedy and understands something about the soul and what makes people tick; reminds me of Irvine Welsh at his best. His character -- himself at 23, no doubt in some ways filtered through hindsight -- is a character I can not only empathize with, but strongly admire to boot. The other people in the book, even the incidental ones, are all rendered full and lifelike. The situations, though far outside me realm of experience, are engaging and the story (the story!) carries me along as a reader the way a story aught to. It engaged my imagination and intelect and emotional vocabulary and made me really want to know what happens next. It is a book which I stayed up too late reading more than a couple times. I am sad that it is over. I strongly recommend it.

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I want to write private notes

I want to write private notes. Great letters to old friends which express all the things I'm for one reason or another still shy about writing right here. I've always been skittish talking about girls in the thick of it. After the fact, in the lens of history, I'll go over things. But I don't often dive in to the workings of my heart (or my hips) in public without the comfortable distance and respectibility which introspection brings. I find the kiss and tell to be generally cheap.

So I want to write private notes to girls. Old girls and new girls; curiosities and rememerences and flirtations on the sly. I also want to pitch woo, to use an old outdated phrase, and I that's something which needs cover. Romance implies a certain kind of seclusion, an enticing element of closeness and privacy. You need curtains and candles and music and time; or at the very least you need some good sheets to hide under, though those always get tangled. It's better when you have the whole set of freedoms; no restrictions and ample energy. But I digress.

I want to write private notes. I've been thinking about myself as a writer, how I feel stagnant a lot of the time, and wondering if maybe become an electronic man of letters wouldn't be a way to keep my creative fires high. I could perhaps delve more deeply into fanciful writing, letting a bit more of my pent up internal fuel into the stream. But I want to start out with something a little more covert. Maybe I'll make my own email list that people can opt-in on, something which can carry juicy bits and wild renderings. My own foray down the the Rageboy path. Maybe there will be a secret website -- someplace where the full life of my mind can live. Maybe that someplace could be out here in the same old spot, with some kind of password or permission...

But I want to write private notes, and I think there's a reason for that. And I think that's where I will start.

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I don't even try that hard

The image seems broken, but it's kinda monty-python-esque.

Grammar God!
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?

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About Fucking Time

For anyone who's heard me rant, I've been wanting a Luxury Hybrid on the market for years now. Lexus is doing it. The market is so fucking obvious. This will, I think, do a lot to get the ball rolling. According to my man Frank, it'll have equivalent 270 hp, a sub 8 second 0-60 and the fuel efficiency of a 4-banger. About f'ing time, sez I.

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